Going for a drive/ Salt & Pepper Locks

TO QUELL THE FIRE OF ANGER, YOU MUST FIND COMPASSION

My mother asked me to ride with her across town the other day, I didn't really want to go, but I don't get to see her much so I said "sure momma." 

We started out from the house, driving down to the end of the block. I figured she would go straight and merge onto the interstate, it runs parallel to my folks' neighborhood. Instead, she made a left. Ok, maybe she's going to hop onto the expressway at the river, no big deal. She did as I expected, and we crossed to the other side. Then she ... exited onto the surface streets again.

You see a drive "crosstown" in my hometown is a 25 to 30 minute proposition -- if you take the interstate. Drop down to the side streets and the trip we made, out near the beaches, can easily take an hour each way.

Patience isn't exactly one of my strong suits, all who know me know that about me. I mean I'm working on it, I just come up short more often then I'd care to admit.  Anyway, at this point I'm seeing red! With every side street she turns onto, my blood pressure ticks up just a bit more. Right at the point where I couldn't take it anymore I look over to my mother, trying to take as much bass out of my voice as I could, "momma, why did you go this way?" "I don't drive that other way," she snapped back quickly. She knew what I was thinking the whole time -- she is my mother after all.  As soon as she said that it clicked with me just what the problem was -- the bridge.

Let's just say her foreboding for this bridge isn't exactly unfounded. Aside from being so high that you can't see the rest of the damn thing for the approach ramp, and the fact that the wind typically plays with your car a bit as you drive across. Not to mention that the "guard rails" are so thin that if you walk up and lean against it you would break through and fall 15 stories or so into the river. All those facts aside, this bridge has its own body count. In other words, it actually HAS killed people.

"She's just scared," I thought as I pulled myself away from my mental tangent and back into the car. "Scared?" Not a word usually associated with my old bird. She's tough. You just have to be growing up in the deep South in the 60's, helping her mother raise a house filled with brothers. Then raising two sons and a daughter of her own.

I look over at her grasping, almost clutching, the steering wheel at 10 and two, and I notice the grey peppered through her Locks. She is getting older, in all honesty, dying slowly right in front of me. I throw my head into the air coming in through my window. It dries up the tears welling up in my eyes.  It's funny how God taps you on the shoulder to point things out sometimes.

We drive along a little while longer, "why? You in a hurry son? Where do you have to be?" I lean back in my seat, "go whichever way you want momma. We got time."

Words of Wisdom from the Bru ... uh Sister

I saw this insightful quote on my friend Tosha Bryant's social media status a little while ago. Sometimes I think I'm surrounded by philosophers. That is a very GOOD thing.


"When you fall, don't get back up like nothing ever happened. As you learn from it gradually, stand back up. And maybe next time you wont trip. It's ok to be on bended knee for a moment. When someone asks, "Why are you down there?" simply say, "I'm teaching myself how to walk again." It really doesn't matter if they understand it or not. You will...."

Hannibal's thought on deep rollers

The Following quote comes from one of my favorite movie characters, Hannibal Lector. It's a line from the movie "Hannibal." It's of tape recorded conversation between him and the prison orderly Barney: 

"Roller Pigeons fly very fast and very high, then they tumble back down. There are shallow rollers, and there are deep rollers. You can't breed two deep rollers... or their young, their offspring, will roll all the way down... hit and die. Agent Starling is a deep roller, Barney. Let us hope one of her parents was not."

At first I liked this line for its metaphorical insight on the human condition, with agent Starling being the representative for all humankind. But the more I live and the more that is revealed about myself, I realize I should probably replace Agent Starling's name with my own.

So that gets me to thinking, "OK, my momma, whom I love dearly, is an utter and unquestioned deep roller. Those that know her know this about her." Then I always sigh a breath of relief, because I think, "Alright I'm good, because my pop is an absolute shallow roller -- even keeled."

But recently I have had a revelation, "Yes, dad is a shallow roller  ... except on the subject of my mother!"
Aww DAMN! How close is the ground again?!

Ephesians 5, 15-20

  ¹⁵Act like people with good sense and not like fools. ¹⁶These are evil times, so make every minute count. ¹⁷Don't be stupid. Instead, find out what the Lord wants you to do. ¹⁸Don't destroy yourself by getting drunk, but let the Spirit fill your life. ¹⁹When you meet together, sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, as you praise the Lord with all your heart. ²⁰Always use the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to thank God the Father for everything.

I realize that I am a fool most days. I just pray God has not given up on me, and he leads me into his good graces.

That's it for now ...

At the shore with the voices

We stand on opposite shores of eternity. Facing each other. Wishing the other would come over to our side. But we won't.

My heart breaks because I love you, and you don't love me. Your heart breaks because my heart breaks. Truth is neither of us can control the other, change their mind. So ... there is no remedy.

I repeat, "You were never mine. So why do I feel like I've lost?" You repeat, "I just can't make myself live a lie." Somewhere deep down though, we wonder, or maybe only I wonder, "why can't we make something else true?" I suspect I will sit and drink over this for the rest of my life.

I disappointed you this morning. I shocked you, brought out your fears. You caught a glimpse of how the devil has his claws in my back. It's better this way, you see my faults, you see my flaws.

The voices in my head and over my shoulder say, "Just turn and walk away." But the one inside my chest won't allow it. So I slowly back away. Eyes still locked on the distant shore, on you. You slip from view.

A prisoner of my own doing, I will confront the coming storms as I always have. I stand steadfast, as unyielding as ever. Just know that the slight bend in my knees, the lump in my throat ... they are on the subject of you.

We stand on opposite sides of eternity. Facing each other. Wishing ...

Knocking on truth's door

Again I beat the sun out of bed.
Unable to claim space in my head

Hands that don't grasp should not be so far under my skin
Lips I've never kissed should not whisper in my ear
Eyes that don't look to me should not haunt my mind's eye
I hear you call my name in the dark moments
Your scent ... sends my soul for a swim
Thoughts of you overwhelm me, they take me under
You occupy every free moment, every empty space of my being

Damn I hate you
Damn I love you

I don't want to be caught up in you
The thought of my circumstance makes me angry
My playlist is stuck on the song about you
I breathe you in whenever I fill my lungs with air
I convince myself, "I wish I never met you."
Future is on the horizon, but I slide back into the fog of past
My heart is awake, no way I'm going back to sleep now

Damn I hate you
Damn I love you

I have to close my eyes just to look at you
Because, just as always, that's the only way I can see you
What do I do with this silence?
The reality is you are a stranger to me, I don't know you
I want to sleep, but I won't escape you there either
Before I know it, I find myself at your front door
Why in the hell am I in front of your door ...

Words of Wisdom from the Brus

New ongoing segment to the blog. This section will be called "Words of Wisdom from the Brus." Self-explanatory, right? Normally there will be attribution. But for reasons that will be made obvious shortly, this person shall remain nameless.

"Treat your next relationship like your vehicle ... Take care of her; maintain her; do all that's necessary and more -- beautify her. And as soon as she starts to put you down, trade her in!"

WOW!