There's her then me
As heart simply breaks
Resignation
Friday, December 27, 2013
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Wandering and Wondering (Part 3)
(Last one. Make sure you read Parts 1 & 2 first.)
Today is the day most celebrate the birth of Christ. I can't help but reflect on the fact that Jesus needed to be sent in the first place. We all needed someone to pay the debt of our sinful ways. Basically, we are not perfect and we all need help. Think about that for a moment, we ALL need help.
I will go further with that idea and say God also understands that we need patience and understanding. I think it wise if I put into practice these same ideals. And not just with her, with most people in my life. But back to her.
I think it is obvious to most I still have deep feelings for her. And while I have agreed to give her space while she sorts things out, every so often I have an eruption of emotions, like today. I guess it's just because of the holiday. (I just hope if she reads part 2 she isn't mad with me. If read out of context it might be taken the wrong way.)
I realize when relationships struggle and/or end there is enough blame to go around. As the old saying goes: "There are always three sides to every story. One side, the other side and the truth." I have asked God to put tempered expectations, better listening ears and a second helping of courage in my Christmas stocking, what about you? Am I the only one that thinks the emotion of love was a creation of the devil to torment man? I digress.
I guess what I'm saying as I wrap up this three part open love letter is that I have opened my ears and my heart ... and I am listening. I do not like what I hear all the time. And my position has not changed much (stubborn, I know), but I am listening. Through God all things are possible, right?
We shall see.
Today is the day most celebrate the birth of Christ. I can't help but reflect on the fact that Jesus needed to be sent in the first place. We all needed someone to pay the debt of our sinful ways. Basically, we are not perfect and we all need help. Think about that for a moment, we ALL need help.
I will go further with that idea and say God also understands that we need patience and understanding. I think it wise if I put into practice these same ideals. And not just with her, with most people in my life. But back to her.
I think it is obvious to most I still have deep feelings for her. And while I have agreed to give her space while she sorts things out, every so often I have an eruption of emotions, like today. I guess it's just because of the holiday. (I just hope if she reads part 2 she isn't mad with me. If read out of context it might be taken the wrong way.)
I realize when relationships struggle and/or end there is enough blame to go around. As the old saying goes: "There are always three sides to every story. One side, the other side and the truth." I have asked God to put tempered expectations, better listening ears and a second helping of courage in my Christmas stocking, what about you? Am I the only one that thinks the emotion of love was a creation of the devil to torment man? I digress.
I guess what I'm saying as I wrap up this three part open love letter is that I have opened my ears and my heart ... and I am listening. I do not like what I hear all the time. And my position has not changed much (stubborn, I know), but I am listening. Through God all things are possible, right?
We shall see.
Still wandering (Part 2)
(Please read Part 1 FIRST)
I believe in the Bible. In it is described fairly early how man has a need for companionship. It also covers that this need was meant to be filled, in part, by the love of a woman.
OK, let's review ... Bible, check; early passage, check (that's Genesis in case you don't know); man needs woman, check. So I feel pretty secure in seeking a certain kind of partnership with a woman. Why wouldn't I be, it's right there in the rule book!
Like now. I am currently in love with this woman. She has had some tough times with relationships. You know the story, It's almost like it should be on a T-shirt. "I have had all these relationships and all I have to show for it is this child and all this damn baggage!" I digress. I think I was pretty clear about what I wanted from the beginning, but I go over in my head how I probably should have gone about things. No wait, I got it! I should write up questionnaires ...
When I want to ask a woman out initially:
I (the undersigned), would like to have dinner, see a movie, go for a walk, or just otherwise hangout with the woman holding this document for the purpose of a potentially romantic connection. Please answer the following, TRUTHFULLY.
* Please list your age ____. (if younger than 26 years of age please return the questionnaire and have a nice day)
* Do you have a child? (if you have MORE than one child please return the questionnaire and have a nice day)
* Are you currently employed? (Answering no to this may not affect your eligibility. It probably won't even matter to me, but maybe it matters to you.)
*Do you still have contact with, seek to have contact with or desire to have contact with your ex? (If yes, are you sure you should be considering dating someone else?)
* Do you have a criminal record?
*Do you, or someone in your family, especially members that I may come in contact with, have a history of mental illness (If yes, please keep this paper, turn around and walk away.)
PLEASE UNDERSTAND that this is NOT an application for a platonic friendship. We are currently NOT accepting applications for those positions. It is understood that your agreeing to this date is not a guarantee of sex or any other kind of physical, emotional or mental connection, however you understand that failure to answer truthfully or abide by the afore written page will result in immediate termination of relationship. If you are unwilling or unable to agree with this document, please return it, turn and walk away. And have a nice life, or as best you can.
Of course I would have to write up more documents as the relationship progressed. One for the end of the first date. One for the negotiations for the start of the "Girlfriend"/"Boyfriend" phase of the relationship. And so on, and so on ... At lease when things go sideways I have written proof of where I was coming from. I'm just saying.
(End of Part 2)
I believe in the Bible. In it is described fairly early how man has a need for companionship. It also covers that this need was meant to be filled, in part, by the love of a woman.
OK, let's review ... Bible, check; early passage, check (that's Genesis in case you don't know); man needs woman, check. So I feel pretty secure in seeking a certain kind of partnership with a woman. Why wouldn't I be, it's right there in the rule book!
Like now. I am currently in love with this woman. She has had some tough times with relationships. You know the story, It's almost like it should be on a T-shirt. "I have had all these relationships and all I have to show for it is this child and all this damn baggage!" I digress. I think I was pretty clear about what I wanted from the beginning, but I go over in my head how I probably should have gone about things. No wait, I got it! I should write up questionnaires ...
When I want to ask a woman out initially:
I (the undersigned), would like to have dinner, see a movie, go for a walk, or just otherwise hangout with the woman holding this document for the purpose of a potentially romantic connection. Please answer the following, TRUTHFULLY.
* Please list your age ____. (if younger than 26 years of age please return the questionnaire and have a nice day)
* Do you have a child? (if you have MORE than one child please return the questionnaire and have a nice day)
* Are you currently employed? (Answering no to this may not affect your eligibility. It probably won't even matter to me, but maybe it matters to you.)
*Do you still have contact with, seek to have contact with or desire to have contact with your ex? (If yes, are you sure you should be considering dating someone else?)
* Do you have a criminal record?
*Do you, or someone in your family, especially members that I may come in contact with, have a history of mental illness (If yes, please keep this paper, turn around and walk away.)
PLEASE UNDERSTAND that this is NOT an application for a platonic friendship. We are currently NOT accepting applications for those positions. It is understood that your agreeing to this date is not a guarantee of sex or any other kind of physical, emotional or mental connection, however you understand that failure to answer truthfully or abide by the afore written page will result in immediate termination of relationship. If you are unwilling or unable to agree with this document, please return it, turn and walk away. And have a nice life, or as best you can.
Of course I would have to write up more documents as the relationship progressed. One for the end of the first date. One for the negotiations for the start of the "Girlfriend"/"Boyfriend" phase of the relationship. And so on, and so on ... At lease when things go sideways I have written proof of where I was coming from. I'm just saying.
(End of Part 2)
Wandering the Killing Fields (Part 1)
I was scrolling around Facebook the other day after work and I came upon this picture. The image was of a beautiful young woman wearing a man's button down shirt with the caption, "A man's shirt on a naked female body is like a flag on a conquered fortress." Under normal circumstances I would have read this, shook my head and kept on scrolling. But the comments section of this picture caught my attention.
I saw a REALLY long comment that had somewhere around 250 likes. I figured "this many facebookers never agree on anything so I should definitely give the comment a read." What followed has to amount to this person's Magnus Opus of Facebook comments. The man proceeded to simultaneously rail against the other men commenting on the page, which was called-- not coincidentally -- "Fuck Sensitivity," while at the same time speak of a man's responsibility to that "conquered" woman. What follows is an excerpt:
... When you take a fortress, you generally keep her. You build her back up, repair her, supply her. Because you are going to shelter within her, and those walls will be the only thing between you and your enemies. ... Without you, she can stand alone. Without her, you wander the killing fields until someone strikes you down. No one who ever took a properly held fortress was ever cocky about it after the fact. He was grateful to have triumphed, and to have a place to call home. ...
This man, whose Facebook profile picture was the mask from "V for Vendetta" (hmmmm), was able to put into words precisely how I have always felt about women. There really isn't much else to say about that. Want to know how I feel about a woman, GO BACK AND READ THE PREVIOUS DAMN PARAGRAPH!
I guess the point of this post (which will probably be a really long one, so this will just be part 1) is to state that I do not understand how I seem to always end up in front of this keyboard writing about my heartbreak and/or my romantic disappointment.
Recently I asked the woman who is my current romantic interest about her recent decision that we break off our relationship:
"What is it about me that turns you off?", I asked.
"It's not you," she replied.
"What is it about US that turns you off."
"It's not us."
"Well, what is it?"
"It's me."
" ... Well, fix it! Please."
(End of Part 1)
I saw a REALLY long comment that had somewhere around 250 likes. I figured "this many facebookers never agree on anything so I should definitely give the comment a read." What followed has to amount to this person's Magnus Opus of Facebook comments. The man proceeded to simultaneously rail against the other men commenting on the page, which was called-- not coincidentally -- "Fuck Sensitivity," while at the same time speak of a man's responsibility to that "conquered" woman. What follows is an excerpt:
... When you take a fortress, you generally keep her. You build her back up, repair her, supply her. Because you are going to shelter within her, and those walls will be the only thing between you and your enemies. ... Without you, she can stand alone. Without her, you wander the killing fields until someone strikes you down. No one who ever took a properly held fortress was ever cocky about it after the fact. He was grateful to have triumphed, and to have a place to call home. ...
This man, whose Facebook profile picture was the mask from "V for Vendetta" (hmmmm), was able to put into words precisely how I have always felt about women. There really isn't much else to say about that. Want to know how I feel about a woman, GO BACK AND READ THE PREVIOUS DAMN PARAGRAPH!
I guess the point of this post (which will probably be a really long one, so this will just be part 1) is to state that I do not understand how I seem to always end up in front of this keyboard writing about my heartbreak and/or my romantic disappointment.
Recently I asked the woman who is my current romantic interest about her recent decision that we break off our relationship:
"What is it about me that turns you off?", I asked.
"It's not you," she replied.
"What is it about US that turns you off."
"It's not us."
"Well, what is it?"
"It's me."
" ... Well, fix it! Please."
(End of Part 1)
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Confrontation (The Lion and the emptiness)
Through the darkness a room and a mirror ...
He paces back and forth, with eyes of fire, a growl that shakes the floor. His roar shatters the window's glass as well as confidence, shakes the soul. His gaze never waivers, piercing the façade. He has come for his meal. He will not be dissuaded. The Beast.
A mane decades old, it greys more by each passing moment. Each of his paws bare the evidence of battles past, his body displays the scars through its dark hue. He has been through many an engagement, and survives to intimidate even more. A Lion tracks his prey.
The beast darts across the room, speed that belies how aged he has become. He cuts me off from exit. I stand motionless, my soul shakes, my heart pounds and my mind races. But I stand motionless. His eyes study me up and down for seconds that go on forever. Do I move? Will he move? The Lion speaks!
"You are a fool! You chase and you chase and still your hands fill with shadows and smoke. You were not man enough to keep her, and you never will be." His roar deafens the room. All that can be heard are his words.
"You flee from them because you know you are powerless to protect them. Their futures will be mine just as is your present. I will devour their spirit the same as I have taken yours." His grumble shakes the floor beneath my feet.
"I have taken your hopes and your dreams before, and I mean to feed on them again! Your successes are hallow. Your accomplishments false. What have you ever REALLY done boy? You have never been able to stand up to me. Just how do you expect to face me now? Speak boy ... SPEAK!" The Lion smirks.
I speak ...
Darkness can only be pierced by light. Lies are exposed by truth.
This demon can only be cast out by the hand of the most high.
Emptiness can only be filled by the fullness of self acceptance.
I don't suspect I can leave this battle alive, this battle is my life.
I extend my hand to her and I wait.
I hold a love that can make her whole,
but she must grasp it before it will work
So I wait ...
Protect them? They need no protection from you.
They simply need do what I should have done so many times before,
They need only face you and watch you fade to nothing.
I admit my faults, I confess my sins,
I acknowledge I have no answers, merely the questions.
I release my grip on pride and humble myself,
Through this, power reveals itself.
Your master is a lier!
Your tools, confusion and intimidation.
You are fear! And I simply need face you to defeat you!
He paces back and forth, with eyes of fire, a growl that shakes the floor. His roar shatters the window's glass as well as confidence, shakes the soul. His gaze never waivers, piercing the façade. He has come for his meal. He will not be dissuaded. The Beast.
A mane decades old, it greys more by each passing moment. Each of his paws bare the evidence of battles past, his body displays the scars through its dark hue. He has been through many an engagement, and survives to intimidate even more. A Lion tracks his prey.
The beast darts across the room, speed that belies how aged he has become. He cuts me off from exit. I stand motionless, my soul shakes, my heart pounds and my mind races. But I stand motionless. His eyes study me up and down for seconds that go on forever. Do I move? Will he move? The Lion speaks!
"You are a fool! You chase and you chase and still your hands fill with shadows and smoke. You were not man enough to keep her, and you never will be." His roar deafens the room. All that can be heard are his words.
"You flee from them because you know you are powerless to protect them. Their futures will be mine just as is your present. I will devour their spirit the same as I have taken yours." His grumble shakes the floor beneath my feet.
"I have taken your hopes and your dreams before, and I mean to feed on them again! Your successes are hallow. Your accomplishments false. What have you ever REALLY done boy? You have never been able to stand up to me. Just how do you expect to face me now? Speak boy ... SPEAK!" The Lion smirks.
I speak ...
Darkness can only be pierced by light. Lies are exposed by truth.
This demon can only be cast out by the hand of the most high.
Emptiness can only be filled by the fullness of self acceptance.
I don't suspect I can leave this battle alive, this battle is my life.
I extend my hand to her and I wait.
I hold a love that can make her whole,
but she must grasp it before it will work
So I wait ...
Protect them? They need no protection from you.
They simply need do what I should have done so many times before,
They need only face you and watch you fade to nothing.
I admit my faults, I confess my sins,
I acknowledge I have no answers, merely the questions.
I release my grip on pride and humble myself,
Through this, power reveals itself.
Your master is a lier!
Your tools, confusion and intimidation.
You are fear! And I simply need face you to defeat you!
Friday, September 6, 2013
At the Corner of ignorance and irrelevance
Coming out of the corner store one morning, more than a week ago, I ran into a brother I met in the neighborhood barbershop. I don't remember his name. We exchange dap and I ask him how he is feeling and he responds in kind. As I prepare to cross the street he asks "You don't even remember me do you?"
I could sense from his posture and tone a kind of inevitable expectation that the query would be proven. At the same time, an underlying aggravation and frustration that this is the state of his life.
In other words, Bru feel some kind of way about this shit. Straight up.
Can't say I blame him. It is in our nature to want to be heard, noticed and acknowledged. When the firework that is our life lights the night sky of eternity, we all want someone to see it and, more importantly, be impressed by what they saw.
As I come to that realization, I am struck by the fact that the crime rate on this block is high. Like a weed-head in mid April in the late afternoon ... HIGH.
These brothers, most of them young, don't believe this world notices that they draw breathe. So, many of them resolve to make sure that they are seen. Even if that stance shortens their stance on this earth.
"Better to die on my feet than to live on my knees?" These cats haven't just heard this quote, they bought the damn shirt. And the monster that consumes these streets just gets stronger and stronger.
For my part, I try not to feed the beast ... "Yeah, I remember you bru. But I forgot your name, what is it again?"
A couple days later, a pizza delivery driver was shot to death across the street. To this point the only thing I can tell that he did wrong was go to work and try to feed his growing young family.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Lennie and the Rabbit
I can't sleep.
Tumbling back and forth again and again, a constant image of Lennie Smalls' open hand keeps presenting itself.
Lennie, one of the main tragic characters in the classic novella "Of Mice and Men" had but one goal in his life: Help George Milton, the other protagonist, get their own plot of land in depression-era California. So he could take care of, and cuddle, rabbits. A simple goal for a simple man. The tragedy enters because Lennie, a physically impressive person of limited intelligence, does not know how to not be so forceful with his might. He indeed "does not know his own strength." Lennie is the pen and paper embodiment of coming on too strong.
I find myself in a relatable circumstance to our massive hero. Analogy is as follows:
Lennie is me, obviously. A real big dumby. Lovable, but he just don't get it.
The cuddly little bunny in this case is a new found relationship.
The open hand in this case is just how forceful I can be with how I feel.
Worst case, Lennie gets too excited to care for his new found rabbit, he closes his hand, to keep the bunny "safe," and he squeezes, ... once again he wonders the land looking for something worth nurturing.
Tumbling back and forth again and again, a constant image of Lennie Smalls' open hand keeps presenting itself.
Lennie, one of the main tragic characters in the classic novella "Of Mice and Men" had but one goal in his life: Help George Milton, the other protagonist, get their own plot of land in depression-era California. So he could take care of, and cuddle, rabbits. A simple goal for a simple man. The tragedy enters because Lennie, a physically impressive person of limited intelligence, does not know how to not be so forceful with his might. He indeed "does not know his own strength." Lennie is the pen and paper embodiment of coming on too strong.
I find myself in a relatable circumstance to our massive hero. Analogy is as follows:
Lennie is me, obviously. A real big dumby. Lovable, but he just don't get it.
The cuddly little bunny in this case is a new found relationship.
The open hand in this case is just how forceful I can be with how I feel.
Worst case, Lennie gets too excited to care for his new found rabbit, he closes his hand, to keep the bunny "safe," and he squeezes, ... once again he wonders the land looking for something worth nurturing.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Words of Wisdom From the Brus
After reading my post from a few days ago ... the one about me and Forrest ... One of my brothers says: "I'm convinced you're somewhere between a genius and borderline insane."
I could not agree more, unfortunately. (I sit back in my chair and smirk.)
I could not agree more, unfortunately. (I sit back in my chair and smirk.)
From Ronin to Lover
She puts color back to a world that had become monochrome. She opens windows to a heart boarded up some time ago.
I like the view.
Trying to remember, "turn my brain off and just be." But every time she hits me with that smile it gives me nerves. ...
So beautiful is her smile.
"Don't think too far ahead." Agreed. We pick a path to relationship that allows for scenery ... holding hands along the way.
I like the view
A surround sound of emotions and warmth floods my senses. The kick drum becomes my heart, It makes my head nod as I write. I dance to the rhythm of the song she sings. ...
A siren
She asked me to leave the lights off while she put on her clothes. If she only knew how sexy I really find her she'd blush.
A black woman's cheeks turning red ...
Speaking of cheeks.
Softness presses against firm attention. I rub her head, we embrace, her lips stick to mine as she pulls away. Trying to inhale every breathe she exhales I pull her closer into me. Every damn one. ...
The rest is none of your business.
The point of it all is simple. I'm falling in love with her.
DAMN ...
A warrior with no master equals Ronin.
No master equals no code.
A code equals responsibility to others.
Responsibility to her equals being myself ... She says,
"Just be yourself."
Lies equal what I've told myself over time.
Truth must equal your master. ... A Ronin.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Simplicity of the complex
A recent conversation I had turned to a statement that I've used to describe my experiences in life ... let me say that again ... MY EXPERIENCES ... not myself. As you might expect, unfortunately, the exchange soon degenerated into an examination as to why I would call myself "dumb."
Simple minds simply over simplifying a complex subject, while at the same time complicating the simplicity of the beautiful struggle, which is life. Drawing breathe every few seconds is both a major miracle and a testament to the greatness of the creator.
I digress ...
The comparison is that I've lived a life similar to Forrest Gump. Superficially, the statement is a comparison to vast experiences that he had and the many points in history he intersected on the roads of his life. More deeply, it's an assertion of the best part of Forrest's being. He knew that he didn't know.
That paraphrased quote taken from Socrates is A) one of my favorite sayings and B) a statement that far too many people do not take enough heed to. Mankind is far to full of itself. We are so smart and have everything under control ... except everything we fucking touch ...
I digress ...
I strive to keep things simple. I love God, because to do so is to love yourself. We are made in his image. I love my mother, because she carried me and is the living connection to the vast power of the universe. I love my Father, because his example gave me a beacon of how to become a man, and it still shines to show me the path to keep. I love the rest of my family, because they each represent a small jigsaw piece that combines to reveal the total picture of who I really am. I'm falling in love with a woman, because ...
I am about to digress ...
Simple minds simply over simplifying a complex subject, while at the same time complicating the simplicity of the beautiful struggle, which is life. Drawing breathe every few seconds is both a major miracle and a testament to the greatness of the creator.
I digress ...
The comparison is that I've lived a life similar to Forrest Gump. Superficially, the statement is a comparison to vast experiences that he had and the many points in history he intersected on the roads of his life. More deeply, it's an assertion of the best part of Forrest's being. He knew that he didn't know.
That paraphrased quote taken from Socrates is A) one of my favorite sayings and B) a statement that far too many people do not take enough heed to. Mankind is far to full of itself. We are so smart and have everything under control ... except everything we fucking touch ...
I digress ...
I strive to keep things simple. I love God, because to do so is to love yourself. We are made in his image. I love my mother, because she carried me and is the living connection to the vast power of the universe. I love my Father, because his example gave me a beacon of how to become a man, and it still shines to show me the path to keep. I love the rest of my family, because they each represent a small jigsaw piece that combines to reveal the total picture of who I really am. I'm falling in love with a woman, because ...
I am about to digress ...
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
The (British) Saga continues ... Or is that Japanese Saga
The heart of an artist, a creator of something, can at times be rather fickle.
I have been rather silent over the past several years. I guess I was just too busy learning ... about me, about family, about friends, about success and failure, about women ... Nope, still don't know a damn thing about women. At times I'm not sure I care to learn about them either, but I digress (more on that at a later date).
Funny, when I initially set out to write this blog I was doing so to "grab peoples attention" make a world I felt was passing me by take notice of me and my talents, abilities and so forth. I realize now that was stupid. Excuse my language, but who really gives a shit what other people think. I'm doing this blog for me now. I don't care if no one else reads it.
Initially, I had thoughts that this blog would be updated once or twice a week and "run" similarly to TV series. Yeah, that was naive. As it turns out, this serial will run more like a British TV show. A show from across the pond will air new programing for several weeks straight, then it will go on hiatus for six months to a year ... Or maybe that's the Japanese, but their shows are just weird.
At any rate ... on with the show. ... The "show" is life.
I have been rather silent over the past several years. I guess I was just too busy learning ... about me, about family, about friends, about success and failure, about women ... Nope, still don't know a damn thing about women. At times I'm not sure I care to learn about them either, but I digress (more on that at a later date).
Funny, when I initially set out to write this blog I was doing so to "grab peoples attention" make a world I felt was passing me by take notice of me and my talents, abilities and so forth. I realize now that was stupid. Excuse my language, but who really gives a shit what other people think. I'm doing this blog for me now. I don't care if no one else reads it.
Initially, I had thoughts that this blog would be updated once or twice a week and "run" similarly to TV series. Yeah, that was naive. As it turns out, this serial will run more like a British TV show. A show from across the pond will air new programing for several weeks straight, then it will go on hiatus for six months to a year ... Or maybe that's the Japanese, but their shows are just weird.
At any rate ... on with the show. ... The "show" is life.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
