Going for a drive/ Salt & Pepper Locks

TO QUELL THE FIRE OF ANGER, YOU MUST FIND COMPASSION

My mother asked me to ride with her across town the other day, I didn't really want to go, but I don't get to see her much so I said "sure momma." 

We started out from the house, driving down to the end of the block. I figured she would go straight and merge onto the interstate, it runs parallel to my folks' neighborhood. Instead, she made a left. Ok, maybe she's going to hop onto the expressway at the river, no big deal. She did as I expected, and we crossed to the other side. Then she ... exited onto the surface streets again.

You see a drive "crosstown" in my hometown is a 25 to 30 minute proposition -- if you take the interstate. Drop down to the side streets and the trip we made, out near the beaches, can easily take an hour each way.

Patience isn't exactly one of my strong suits, all who know me know that about me. I mean I'm working on it, I just come up short more often then I'd care to admit.  Anyway, at this point I'm seeing red! With every side street she turns onto, my blood pressure ticks up just a bit more. Right at the point where I couldn't take it anymore I look over to my mother, trying to take as much bass out of my voice as I could, "momma, why did you go this way?" "I don't drive that other way," she snapped back quickly. She knew what I was thinking the whole time -- she is my mother after all.  As soon as she said that it clicked with me just what the problem was -- the bridge.

Let's just say her foreboding for this bridge isn't exactly unfounded. Aside from being so high that you can't see the rest of the damn thing for the approach ramp, and the fact that the wind typically plays with your car a bit as you drive across. Not to mention that the "guard rails" are so thin that if you walk up and lean against it you would break through and fall 15 stories or so into the river. All those facts aside, this bridge has its own body count. In other words, it actually HAS killed people.

"She's just scared," I thought as I pulled myself away from my mental tangent and back into the car. "Scared?" Not a word usually associated with my old bird. She's tough. You just have to be growing up in the deep South in the 60's, helping her mother raise a house filled with brothers. Then raising two sons and a daughter of her own.

I look over at her grasping, almost clutching, the steering wheel at 10 and two, and I notice the grey peppered through her Locks. She is getting older, in all honesty, dying slowly right in front of me. I throw my head into the air coming in through my window. It dries up the tears welling up in my eyes.  It's funny how God taps you on the shoulder to point things out sometimes.

We drive along a little while longer, "why? You in a hurry son? Where do you have to be?" I lean back in my seat, "go whichever way you want momma. We got time."

Words of Wisdom from the Bru ... uh Sister

I saw this insightful quote on my friend Tosha Bryant's social media status a little while ago. Sometimes I think I'm surrounded by philosophers. That is a very GOOD thing.


"When you fall, don't get back up like nothing ever happened. As you learn from it gradually, stand back up. And maybe next time you wont trip. It's ok to be on bended knee for a moment. When someone asks, "Why are you down there?" simply say, "I'm teaching myself how to walk again." It really doesn't matter if they understand it or not. You will...."

Hannibal's thought on deep rollers

The Following quote comes from one of my favorite movie characters, Hannibal Lector. It's a line from the movie "Hannibal." It's of tape recorded conversation between him and the prison orderly Barney: 

"Roller Pigeons fly very fast and very high, then they tumble back down. There are shallow rollers, and there are deep rollers. You can't breed two deep rollers... or their young, their offspring, will roll all the way down... hit and die. Agent Starling is a deep roller, Barney. Let us hope one of her parents was not."

At first I liked this line for its metaphorical insight on the human condition, with agent Starling being the representative for all humankind. But the more I live and the more that is revealed about myself, I realize I should probably replace Agent Starling's name with my own.

So that gets me to thinking, "OK, my momma, whom I love dearly, is an utter and unquestioned deep roller. Those that know her know this about her." Then I always sigh a breath of relief, because I think, "Alright I'm good, because my pop is an absolute shallow roller -- even keeled."

But recently I have had a revelation, "Yes, dad is a shallow roller  ... except on the subject of my mother!"
Aww DAMN! How close is the ground again?!

Ephesians 5, 15-20

  ¹⁵Act like people with good sense and not like fools. ¹⁶These are evil times, so make every minute count. ¹⁷Don't be stupid. Instead, find out what the Lord wants you to do. ¹⁸Don't destroy yourself by getting drunk, but let the Spirit fill your life. ¹⁹When you meet together, sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, as you praise the Lord with all your heart. ²⁰Always use the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to thank God the Father for everything.

I realize that I am a fool most days. I just pray God has not given up on me, and he leads me into his good graces.

That's it for now ...

At the shore with the voices

We stand on opposite shores of eternity. Facing each other. Wishing the other would come over to our side. But we won't.

My heart breaks because I love you, and you don't love me. Your heart breaks because my heart breaks. Truth is neither of us can control the other, change their mind. So ... there is no remedy.

I repeat, "You were never mine. So why do I feel like I've lost?" You repeat, "I just can't make myself live a lie." Somewhere deep down though, we wonder, or maybe only I wonder, "why can't we make something else true?" I suspect I will sit and drink over this for the rest of my life.

I disappointed you this morning. I shocked you, brought out your fears. You caught a glimpse of how the devil has his claws in my back. It's better this way, you see my faults, you see my flaws.

The voices in my head and over my shoulder say, "Just turn and walk away." But the one inside my chest won't allow it. So I slowly back away. Eyes still locked on the distant shore, on you. You slip from view.

A prisoner of my own doing, I will confront the coming storms as I always have. I stand steadfast, as unyielding as ever. Just know that the slight bend in my knees, the lump in my throat ... they are on the subject of you.

We stand on opposite sides of eternity. Facing each other. Wishing ...

Knocking on truth's door

Again I beat the sun out of bed.
Unable to claim space in my head

Hands that don't grasp should not be so far under my skin
Lips I've never kissed should not whisper in my ear
Eyes that don't look to me should not haunt my mind's eye
I hear you call my name in the dark moments
Your scent ... sends my soul for a swim
Thoughts of you overwhelm me, they take me under
You occupy every free moment, every empty space of my being

Damn I hate you
Damn I love you

I don't want to be caught up in you
The thought of my circumstance makes me angry
My playlist is stuck on the song about you
I breathe you in whenever I fill my lungs with air
I convince myself, "I wish I never met you."
Future is on the horizon, but I slide back into the fog of past
My heart is awake, no way I'm going back to sleep now

Damn I hate you
Damn I love you

I have to close my eyes just to look at you
Because, just as always, that's the only way I can see you
What do I do with this silence?
The reality is you are a stranger to me, I don't know you
I want to sleep, but I won't escape you there either
Before I know it, I find myself at your front door
Why in the hell am I in front of your door ...

Words of Wisdom from the Brus

New ongoing segment to the blog. This section will be called "Words of Wisdom from the Brus." Self-explanatory, right? Normally there will be attribution. But for reasons that will be made obvious shortly, this person shall remain nameless.

"Treat your next relationship like your vehicle ... Take care of her; maintain her; do all that's necessary and more -- beautify her. And as soon as she starts to put you down, trade her in!"

WOW!

Random thought on Hope -- and a bit of grace from God

2 Chronicles 30; part of verse 18 into 19 and 20

¹⁸  ..."May the LORD, who is good, pardon everyone ¹⁹ who sets his heart on seeking God—the LORD, the God of his fathers—even if he is not clean according to the rules of the sanctuary." ²⁰ And the LORD heard Hezekiah and healed the people.

Even a sinner like me has hope I guess.

Aerial of a Downward Sort

Take a deep breath ...

My mind is racing today, and I thought I saw a cliff ahead.
Life is a waterfall, sensations of weightlessness tempered by the morbid realization of inevitable impact.

My mind is racing today, and I think I see a cliff ahead.
Expectations give birth to so much disappointment, But what is life without a hopeful eye to the future?

My mind is racing today, ever closer to the edge.
I have no fear of death. My fear is that those I love will embrace the hand of the same demon.
I fear a life alone. Ultimately though, we are all alone, are we not? Never able to share what burns within.

My mind is racing today, but I can't see the cliff anymore.
I have turned my eyes from God only to turn my head back, and he not be there. Now I spend my days searching all the places I once saw him, hoping for his embrace once again.

My mind is racing today ... to the brink ... over the edge ...


Levity, however brief, or false
Bliss, however fleeting
Apathy, however selfish
Self pity, however indulgent
Solitude, however destructive

Tumbling downward
Longing
Rejection
Smiles
Laughter
Tears
Anger
Rage
Scars
Love
Forever
Never
Wind
Impact

Quotes that might help ...

Music 

Music Expresses things about the human experience so specifically, in such specific ways that when you attempt to find language to describe it the words fall short. ... Music expresses things about the human experience that cannot be expressed any other way. That's why it is so important."

 Matt Glaser in Ken Burns' documentary "Jazz"

Self pity

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."

 D. H. Lawrence

 

Indecision

"During the Civil War, a man had trouble choosing a side. He couldn't decide between the North and the South. So he wore a blue coat and gray trousers ... They shot at him from both sides."

 Billy Graham

Say what?! Surely you don't believe this? (right ladies?)

"Men are taught to expect their woman to do everything for them. And women are taught to subjugate themselves to what their men want." That is an actual quote from a good friend of mine. She told me that came from a conversation she had while living in a dorm during undergrad. One of her roommates expounded those as lessons given to her by her matriarchal figures.
 Hmmmmmm ...

Can I call bullsh*t now, or should I wait? I don't know what the women in her family are like, but I now my mother, my sisters, my grandmothers, aunties, cousins, hell the neighbors! To say it would be ill advised for the men in the family to carry those expectations is as much of an understatement as saying you will get a bit of a shock if you stick a screwdriver into an electrical socket.

Alright. I know my family's constructs are not the end-all/be-all. Since I am a man, perhaps I don't have the appropriate perspective on the matter. So, is this view on relationships a valid one ladies?

I'm tempted to try the Noah's Ark method of polling to get my answer. You know, ask a black woman, a white woman, an African woman, an American woman, a 20-year-old, a 40-year-old, etc. ...

The Sherrod incident ... a bigger statement on race or Journalism

Watching MSNBC's "Morning Joe" earlier. They were having a round-table discussion on the fallout from the Shirley Sherrod/ USDA/White House/Fox News/Breitbart scandal when an interesting question was raised.

Is the main lesson to be taken from this mess more about the state of race relations in America? Or is it more of a statement on what journalism is becoming (or has become) in this country? Is it more of an affirmation of how much further we have to go with race relations? Or is it more proof positive of how far the profession of journalism has gotten away from ethical standards like vetting and verifying and getting both sides of a story?

I must admit, I am conflicted.

The Lion's Fiery Mane (Part 1)

At Times we all suffer from a lack of intensity. Like a fire deprived of fuel, our embers gray, dim and dull. Dreams dry into dust and slip away with the breeze.
Let us not forget the blanket of doubt some seek to smother our flames with. Simply because your soul burns at a higher frequency then theirs. It blazes in such a bright hue it consumes them with jealousy.
Jealousy ...

Your fire wanes.You venture out onto the bridge in the dead of night to play your music into the wind. It doesn't hate you. It doesn't envy you. It doesn't want you to fail.
It simply embraces your song and invites you to play on. Notes fly away, doing no further harm to anyone elses ego. But that's just it  ... they fly away. They are not doing any good either. Somewhere, deep within -- a voice. "What the hell are you doing."

The Lion stirs, awakened from his forced slumber, and he ... he is angry. No he's pissed -- with you. How hastefully did you surrender your self -- Surrender your loves, your dreams, your will to fight.
Resign yourself to a pit of mediocrity and wait to die? Like hell you will! The Lion turns his gaze back to you. Eyes. Those eyes. They penetrate your chest and find your heart, warming it, increasing its pace.
The Lion roars.

The sound hits you with so much force, it nearly bursts your eardrums. It rocks you back in your stance. Your feet are driven back by the force. They beg for traction, fight for grip. Once again -- that voice, "What are you going to do?" You turn your eyes skyward. They fix onto the summit you had once attempted.
"What are you going to do?"

On the Trane

God's Gift
Eastern Sun Rises
Send me Wisdom
Grant me Courage
Give me Strength
Allow me Peace
A new day, A new day

A Day's Challenges
World's Weight
Steady my Hands
Sturdy my Legs
Strengthen my back
Ensure my Grip
A new Day, A new Day

Troubles persist
Dark of Night Lingers
Remove the Sorry
Do Not Still the Heart
She Can't Steal the Heart
Please just Steel the Heart
Treacherous Thing the Heart
A new day, A new day

Of Flesh & Blood

A Fearful Man
A Fearless Spirit
A Torrential Mind
A Yearning Soul
A Timid Mouth Speaks
A new day, A new day

Been away ... Still tryin to slay this dragon

The Armour of God
Ephesians 6, 11-18
 
¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Hello all,

Last few months have been interesting. I have received a few more answers, a lot more questions and many more obstacles on my journey (bet you can relate). At any rate, while I have not been posting to the blog, I have been keeping a journal of my thoughts (thanx Laureen). In an order to catch you up I will likely be posting quite a bit for the next few days. I will even be posting some of my creative works (If you can call them that).

As always ALL honest words are welcome .. So tell me what you think.

Or, Just keep it to yourself ... It's whatever.

P.S. There's more to come about the dragon ...

A (random) thought on intensity

What follows is a quote from jazz musician Branford Marsalis, given during an interview for Ken Burns' documentary "Jazz."

" A lot of younger musicians were hanging around (the jazz drummer) Elvin Jones, and they were talking about, 'Man, you know the intensity you guys were playing with when you played with Coltrane, what was that like? How do you play with that kind of intensity?
"And Elvin looks at them and says, 'You gotta be willing to die with a mutha fucka.' "
"And they started laughing, like kids do, waiting for the punchline. Then they realized somewhere in the middle of that he was serious."
"How many people do you know that are willing to die -- period? Die with anybody? And when you listen to those records that's exactly what they sound like. They would die for each other."

So the question is, where does your intensity reside? What, if anything, are you willing to wager your life against? Is it God, family, friends, love, freedom ... money, power, possessions? Or is it life itself? Throughout history mankind has lived and died trying to answer these very questions.

Today, however, popular thought is that most people wouldn't give up their lives. The criticism is that they don't stand for anything.

I'm just wondering which vantage point has a better outlook on life?

Elvin Ray Jones (September 9, 1927 – May 18, 2004)

If (some) black men put together a playlist for women (Top 25+7)

At a recent book discussion, a friendly acquaintance and I got on the subject of songs. Not just any songs though, I volunteered a song that I thought would be a good song for a woman to listen to if she wanted to spy a good perspective on how to approach dealing with a man. She then asked me to compile a list of songs that I thought would be good for the same purpose; she wanted a playlist on how brothers think in regards to women and relationships.
In keeping with my favorite quote, I don't know enough to speak for all black men, so I consulted the experts -- other brothers. I asked a group of men that I both respect and value their opinions (for any of my homeboys who feel I left them out, check your missed texts). The group of men ranged in age, career path, education history, income, geographic location and other criteria, as well as responses. The songs varied in genre, age, etc., and ranged from songs on how that man wants a woman to deal with him, what he wants her to do, what he thinks when he sees her and what he thinks of her (among other things). The resulting list was LONG of course, so I had to pair it down. What follows is a sampling of their responses.
Fellas, if your choice of song(s) doesn't show up on the list, feel free to comment with your own playlist. Ladies, I am curious to know what your songs to a man would be. PLEASE comment with your own list.

1)Sometimes- Bilal
2)Come Close- Common (Personal favorite)
3)Talk to Me- Jill Scott
4)Guess Who Loves You More- Raheem DeVaughn
5)Stop Breaking My Heart- Rashaan Patterson
6)Beautiful Skin- Goodie Mob
7)Desire- Raheem DeVaughn
8)Make You Feel Beautiful
9)Beauty- Dru Hill
10)Papers- Usher (Now You know this was gonna make the list)
11)A House is Not a Home- Luther Vandross
12) Overjoyed- Stevie Wonder
13)Rocket Love- Stevie Wonder
14)Femininity- Eric Benet
15)I Tried- Anthony Hamilton
16)The Point of it all- Anthony Hamilton
17)U Don't Have to Call- Usher
18)Everybody Knows- John Legend
19)If I was your Girlfriend- Prince (Thanks to Hill Harper from the book "the Conversation")
20)Flashing Lights- Kanye West
21)I Used to Love U- John Legend
22)Make Time for Love- Fred Hammonds (Why must there be a seperation between God and romance?)
23)Excuse Me Miss- Jay-Z
24)Save Room- John Legend
25)Anytime, Anyplace- Janet Jackson
26)TeachMe- Musiq
27)That's How Strong My Love is-Otis Redding (Ol' Skool Playa's section begins here)
28)Going in Circles- The Dells
29) I'd Rather be with you- Bootsy Collins
30)Call on Me-Janet Jackson, Nelly (surprising addition from the 18-year-old contingent)
31)Reveal My Heart-Deitrick Haddon(Plz see No. 22)
32)Selfish- Slum Village

Random thought (The shell game)

Imagine you are playing a shell game. You know the kind you see on the street corner in big cities. The only difference is instead of the monetary amount a lot of people play for you’ve managed to stuff under one of those shells the “perfect” woman for you.  As the street hustler starts to shift the cups around you lock your eyes on the one you are certain has your lady under it. After some time he comes to a stop and you point out the one you are sure has "the ONE" hidden. Wrong! You point to the second shell. Wrong again! So you point to the third and final shell. Nope, sorry! You are so crushed by your loss at the shell game that you fail to look to your side and see that “the ONE” has been right next to you the whole damn time. You turn and walk away mumbling to yourself and leave her standing there.

(For the purposes of this post, any word(s) you see in quotes is meant to show terms most people believe in and use. I don't personally -- that's just silly.)

I'll be the judge of that. ... Or maybe I won't.

This just can't be true. Is it? A couple days ago I was talking with a good friend when the subject of attraction between men and women came up. During the conversation she (who, for the purposes of this discussion, will remain nameless) said, in general when women are getting ready to go out, they are more cognizant of women's opinions rather than those of men. In other words, they prefer that other women find what they are wearing attractive than men. What??
Let's be clear, we are talking about adult, heterosexual, single women heading out to social settings where they might be introduced to a gentleman they like. And when we use the term "attractive" we are talking about whether someone is sexually appealing. As in, "Man, she is sexy!"
Now I know I might be missing something, but Doesn't that approach defeat the whole purpose? Could you imagine a brother staring at the mirror wondering out loud, "Man, I hope the dudes at the club don't think these jeans make my but look fat." Or "I can't wear these Js. They are so 2004!" ... I'M A GROWN ASS MAN DOG! What do I look like wanting another dude to be checking me out!
Here is my question: Who should be the judge of what ensemble is most attractive on the opposite sex?
And since the majority of you don't respond to my questions anyway, feel free to make this one rhetorical.

ohh Yeah I forgot to add this

"If you chase two rabbits, you will lose them both."

 Native American saying

Tales of a Cowardly Lion (God and Girlfriends part 2)

I do some of my best thinking driving on the interstate late at night …

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change things that I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

COURAGE

It should never be underestimated a man’s ability to bullshit himself into thinking any fantasy he has created is in fact reality. All you need then is a woman who doesn’t want to deflate his ego or hurt his feelings (or his fragile psyche) with the sharpness of the blade of truth and you’ve got the recipe for some great tragic theater.

Truth is my own worst fear is to be alone. To live my whole life, to travel to all the ends of the earth, live to be one hundred and ten years old and never find the woman I'm meant to spend it with. Now I know what you are thinking, come on G, you and that big head of yours are over thinking the whole situation. Yeah, maybe you are right. But do you ever think about how often we humans manage to live alone even in the trappings of what those on the outside would consider a happy relationship? Imagine a marriage where the husband and wife spend more time arguing or just not even speaking to each other, than they ever do truly loving and sharing themselves with their mate. Or a relationship where days transpire between communications and when the parties do “talk” it’s via text (LOL smiley face! LOL smiley face!). Let’s not forget the favorite male archetype of the “playa.” He is so incapable, so unwilling or (more likely) so afraid of being vulnerable to a woman that he tries to keep a harem filled with “back up plans.” I’m guilty of at least two of these – I’ll let you figure out which two.

Cowardice

Chris Rock hit the nail on the head with his famous “friend zone” diatribe. If we are being honest, most (I repeat MOST) men would tell women -- if you are not related to us or married to a really good friend or family member of ours we’ve thought about you in an intimate setting. (Come on now, I know it’s not just me!) So imagine how deflating it is to have a woman say “I see you as a friend.” How is a man supposed to handle that? I know my personal response has been to weaponize a women’s idea of friendship against her. I’ve refused to be friends with any women. Let me say that again, until about a month ago I’ve not considered myself friends with ANY woman I’ve known. She was a relative, a friendly acquaintance or just some chick I knew. Oh yeah, let’s not forget the women I’ve managed to get myself romantically entangled with. How selfish right? It’s that mentality that lent itself to the disposition of “dating” three or more women at the same time.

I guess deep down I just didn’t (and still don’t really) want to get caught holding the emotional bag if our “relationship” didn’t work. So I would juggle three, four, five “friends” at the same time. Guess I enjoyed the idea of tossing multiple daggers in the air and trying to catch them again. I’m only now coming to realize just how alone that behavior has really made me …