Tusta, I am not ready

I'm sitting in an airport, waiting for a flight to take me home.  Take me home to Jacksonville, Florida. Take me home to my baby sister. She is on a ventilator after complications with a surgery meant to save her life nearly took her life, and it still might. She is not conscious.

I sit in this quiet corner I have found for myself trying to workout my feelings at this very moment. Sadness? No, I guess I am simultaneously optimistic and resigned to the fact that "Baby Tusta," as I sometimes call her, has been fighting for her very life for quite a few years now. And it is a battle she may not win.  Still, I am half hoping I will walk into the hospital room she is in and hear her say "Whatchu want boy," in a playfully antagonizing voice I have gotten accustomed to hearing for nearly 30 years. I don't think I have fully come to terms with what's happening. I'm not ready.

I stopped a family member from crying while on the phone last night. "We have to be strong for Toya, mom, dad and Darrell. My God, Darrell. How do we tell him ... what do we say to him. He is still so young. What would I be without my mother? What do I say to him? What do I say?

If I am being honest I have cried for my sister many days before, in secret when I could really let out how I really feel. I have questioned God, damn near cursed him once. Yelled and gnashed my teeth to the point I passed out of exhaustion. For what? She is still sick and I can do nothing to change this fact. So I ask God for serenity.

Recently, I have been lamenting a break up that I have chosen to take pretty hard. How self-absorbed I must look right now. I'm disgusted with myself. I allowed myself to feel self pity because someone chose other than me, and my little sister has been fighting everyday since she was 7 years old just to stay alive! I wish I could trade places with her right now. She deserves to live far more than I do.

Her name is Garrietta Latoya Vereen, and she is loved. She is a far stronger person than I could ever hope to be ...